The Nonviolent Communication Model

The Nonviolent Communication™ "Process"

Expressing with openness and honesty
(stating a request clearly).

Describe your present OBSERVATION (just the perceivable facts).

Identify your FEELING (emotions).

Explain the reason for your feeling, together with your NEED (fundamental and universal need, value, principle or intention).

State your REQUEST (something you might want the other person to do or say, right now).

Receiving an expression with sensitivity and empathy (clarifying a request).

Describe the situation or OBSERVATION (just the perceivable facts).

Guess the other person’s FEELING (emotions).

Guess the reason for that feeling, together with the NEED (fundamental and universal need value, principle or intention).

Clarify the need - the REQUEST (something they might want you to do or say, right now).

Examples of universal needs, values, principles or intentions.

EXERCISE OUR POWER TO ENRICH LIFE FOR OURSELVES AND OTHERS

EMPATHY

HONESTY

RESPECT FOR AUTONOMY

PLAY

CELEBRATION

COMMUNITY

HARMONY

PROTECTION

CREATIVITY

MATERIAL AND PHYSICAL COMFORT

CHOOSE ONE’S DREAMS/GOALS/VALUES AND HOW TO FULFILL THEM

Examples of feelings when our needs are not contributed to Examples of feelings when our needs are contributed to

CONFUSED

LONELY

HOPELESS

SAD

FRUSTRATED

HURT

AFRAID

WORRIED

GUILTY

EMBARRASSED

UNEASY

ANGRY

ANNOYED

CONFIDENT

JOYFUL

OPTIMISTIC

RELIEVED

TRUSTFUL

FULFILLED

EAGER

GRATEFUL

CONTENT

COMFORTABLE

SECURE

STIMULATED

SATISFIED

Examples of life-alienating communication.
(Tragically expressed feelings and needs.)

CRITICISM

BLAME

DIAGNOSES

MORAL JUDGMENTS

DEMANDS

DENIAL OF RESPONSIBILITY FOR OUR THOUGHTS, FEELINGS, AND ACTIONS

JUSTIFICATION OF REWARD AND PUNISHMENT (e.g. "They deserved it".)

After the Workshop

After the workshop, what can you do that will assist you to live the Nonviolent Communication process in your daily activities?

We suggest three things to keep in mind for continued improvement of your communication skills:

Consciousness of your values. How do you want to live? Take time daily to reflect on and clarify your values, needs, and intentions.
Practice. During the day, if you catch yourself acting in a manner not in harmony with your values, make a note of it and later do an exercise on how you could have done it differently. Take part in self-education, workshops, and practice support meetings.
Become a member of a community dedicated to living non-violently. Associate with others who share your values. Network with people who desire to use the Nonviolent Communication process to help them live in harmony with their values.

Examples of Non-violent Communication

Excerpts from the Marshall Rosenberg article
"Compassionate Communication", Miracles Magazine of August 1995.

If a mother is upset because her son’s toys are strewn about the living room, she will identify her feeling: anger. She will then get in touch with the underlying want that is causing this feeling: her desire for a neat and orderly living room. She will own the anger, saying, "I feel angry because I want the living room to be clean and instead it’s a mess." Finally, she will ask for a different outcome: "I’d feel so much better if you’d just put these toys away."

A boy may want more respect from his father. After getting in touch with his anger over the decisions his father has been making for him, he might say: "Please ask me if I want a haircut before making a barbershop appointment for me."

If you have come home from a busy day and your partner seems preoccupied with the newspaper, simply describe the situation: "When I walked in the door after an especially trying day, you seemed busy reading." Identify your feelings: "I feel hurt." State the reason for your feeling: "I feel hurt because I would like to feel close to you right now and instead I’m feeling disconnected from you." Then state your request in do-able terms: "Are you willing to take time out for a hug and a few moments of sharing?"

The same process applies if your teenager has been talking on the phone for hours and you are expecting a call. Describe the situation: "When you’ve got the phone tied up for so long, other calls can’t come through." Express your feeling and the reason for it: "I’m feeling frustrated because I’ve been expecting to hear from someone." Then state your request: "I’d like you to bring your conversation to a close if that’s all right."

If a mother has asked her daughter to please do her chores and she has refused, the Giraffe dance may go something like this:

Parent: Are you feeling annoyed right now because you want to do your chores at your own pace rather than being forced to do them?

Child: Yeah, I’m sick and tired of being a slave. [Note the defensive mode, indicating a need to be listened to.]

Parent: So, you really want to do things when it feels good to do them, and you’re not just avoiding them altogether?

Child: You order me around! [The child still needs to be listened to. The parent must keep guessing what the child is saying about feelings and wants.]

Parent: So, it’s frustrating when I seem to be ordering you around and you have no choice about when to do your chores.

Child: I don’t want to do chores! They’re stupid. If you want them done, you do them.

Parent: You really hate doing chores and you would like me to do all of them?

Child: Yeah…no…I don’t know. I just don’t feel like being bossed around. [The child is becoming vulnerable and starting to open up because she’s feeling heard without judgment.]

At a meeting I attended at a mosque in a refugee camp near Jerusalem, a man suddenly stood up an cried, "Murderer!" As a Giraffe, all I heard was "Please!"—that is, I heard the pain, the need that wasn’t being met. That is where I focused my attention.