PuddleDancer Press
POB 1204
Del Mar CA 92014
http://www.keepcomingback.com
1-800-522-3383
ISBN 1-892005-02-6 $15.95
Copyright 1999 (as in hot off the press!)

This is the easiest to follow 'how to' book that I've read. The premises from which Rosenberg starts are that compassion is a basic human state and that the specific process we use in communicating can make all the difference in how our message is received. Rosenberg says, " When we use NVC (also known as Compassionate Communication) in our interactions--with ourselves,  with another person, or in a group--we become grounded in our natural state of compassion. NVC is an approach that can be effectively applied at all levels of communication and in diverse situations from self-talk to international politics.

Rosenberg states that there is nothing new in the NVC process; that it is to remind us about what we already know about relating to each other and to show us how to live in a way that concretely manifests this knowledge.

"Through its emphasis on deep listening--to ourselves as well as others--NVC fosters respect, attentiveness, and empathy, and engenders a mutual desire to give from the heart."

The NVC model for communications includes: observing, without judgement, actions that effect our well-being, stating our feelings as we observe the action, saying what needs, values, desires are connected to the feelings, and requesting the concrete actions we would like.

For most of us it is difficult to make observations of people and their behavior that is free of judgement, criticism or analysis. When we include evaluation in observations people often hear us as criticizing them. For the second component of the model many people need to learn a more extensive feeling vocabulary and allow themselves to be vulnerable enough to express their feelings since this expression enhances connections between people.

Next we need to learn about our own needs. We are good at thinking about what is wrong with others. So, for example, if we want tools to be put back, we may characterize our children as lazy for leaving them about. The fourth component of the model is learning how to express what we would like in a way in which others are more likely to respond compassionately. We also need to learn how to find out if our message has been adequately heard.

Rosenberg's model is used both for expressing ourselves honestly and receiving empathetically from others. At the beginning of any interaction we always have the choice of receiving information or expressing our own. If I'm mad at you I have the choice of telling you about my anger or listening to your experience of the situation. In receiving empathetically we still use the model and listen for the other persons observations, feelings, needs, and requests.

In the final chapters Rosenberg discusses the power of empathy, how to express anger fully, the use of protective force, using NVC when talking with ourselves and expressing appreciation.

Rosenberg includes many songs, poems, stories, anecdotes and exercises in his work in order to illustrate his points. This makes his book enjoyable to read as well as a valuable communications course. I must say that the first time I composed a total NVC sentence in response to something my daughter had done, I was thrilled with the silence with which she responded. It was like she totally heard what I said.